


The Reluctant Matchmaking Devices of Pansy Parkinson

by all_my_ships_are_sinking



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Constructive Criticism Welcome, Fluff, Good Slytherins, HP: EWE, Het and Slash, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Inter-House Unity, Matchmaking, Multi, Not Epilogue Compliant, Oh also, POV Pansy Parkinson, Pansy Parkinson the reluctant matchmaker, Post-War, Work In Progress, and Pansy has had enough, can't forget that, everyone is in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-01
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-05-04 10:33:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5330948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/all_my_ships_are_sinking/pseuds/all_my_ships_are_sinking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which everybody is in love and Pansy is so done with all of them. Featuring Draco/Harry, Blaise/Neville, Dean/Seamus, Greg/Luna, Hermione/Ginny, and a bonus of Ron/Pansy.</p>
<p>Updates may not be regular because high school and stress.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 because titles are too much effort

"I am not in love with Harry Potter," Draco Malfoy said, suddenly.

Most of the Slytherins only rolled their eyes as he let out a huff and stared at the wall. Pansy Parkinson, who had previously been enjoying the last book of a muggle romance series she was quite fond of, let out a long-suffering sigh.

"Draco, _darling..._ are you trying to convince us," here, she gestured vaguely around the common room, "Or yourself? Either way, you're failing quite miserably."

She wasn't kidding, either - if she had thought he was obsessed with Potter _before,_ it was nothing compared to how he'd been since they came back for their "8th Year" at Hogwarts.

_"Have you seen Potter today?"_

_"Potter didn't eat much at breakfast. I hope he's alright."_

_"Potter_ waved _at me today, Pansy. Can you believe it?" (Uh-huh, is that so?) "You're not even_ listening! _"_

_"Potter's talking to that Weasley girl again. Do you think he, you know,_ likes _her?" (I don't know, Draco. Why don't you ask him?) "Shut up, Pansy."_

_"Potter said 'Hi' to me today. What do you think that means?"(Oh, I'm sure it means he's_ madly _in love with you.) "Fuck you, Pansy. I meant-Oh, for fuck's sake-Blaise, stop laughing or I'll_ hex _you!"_

And, worst of all -

_"Pansy, why in the world do all these potions smell like Potter?"(That's Amortentia, Draco.) "...shit."_

Ever since that last conversation, four days ago, Draco had been abnormally petulant, and had on several occasions found it imperative to announce his not-love for Potter to every unfortunate soul who happened to be in the Slytherin common room.

Blaise put another tally-mark on the wall behind the portrait of the flowered meadow on the far wall, and Pansy noted with dismay that it was almost in the triple digits.

"I don't know what you're talking about Pansy. In fact, I don't even _like_ Potter. He's so - stupid. With his _stupid_ hair and his _stupid_ face. Stupid Potter."

Oh, that was _it._

Blaise made two more tally-marks, showing officially that Draco had managed to say the name 'Potter' 100 times in four days - several of the younger years handed bet money over to the older ones - and Pansy Parkinson had had enough.

"Draco Lucius Abraxas Malfoy, you are an unbelievable, stubborn, lying, _useles_ s piece of lovesick _trash,_ and I am ashamed to call you my friend! Don't worry, _darling,_ since you are so absolutely _incapable_ of admitting to yourself - let alone to _Potter_ \- that you're _stupidly, madly in love with him,_ I'll just save you the trouble! I'm going to tell him _myself!_ " She shouted.

This declaration was met by loud applause that Pansy paid no attention to as she spun on her heal and marched out of the common room, smirking slightly as she hears a frantic, "Pansy, no-wait! You can't tell him _that!_ " followed by some choice language and a lot of stumbling as Draco tried to catch her and stop her. He did not succeed.

Pansy stomped all the way up to the hallway on the left side of the 4th floor, where she knew the 'Golden Trio' just got out of Transfiguration - _thanks, Draco_ \- and she spotted them almost immediately, walking away from her, down the hall.

"Oi, Potter!" she yelled, causing him and his two ever-present friends to stop walking and stare at her. "We need to talk," she said as she caught up to them, "Now."

Weasley didn't seem to like that idea, and obviously Potter didn't either because he replied, "Anything you wish to say can be said in front of my friends."

She wasted no time.

"Alright, then. Just wanted to let you know that Draco Malfoy is completely and hopelessly _head-over-heels_ in love with you but too much of an insufferable idiot to tell you himself. Carry on!" she stated plainly.

Or, at least she thought it had been quite plain, but evidently she was wrong because before she could turn around Potter let out a strangled, _"What did you just say?"_ and stared at her, mouth gaping open and eyes wide and incredulous.

She sighed, "It's really not all that confusing, Potter. Draco Malfoy," she said this _very slowly,_ using hand gestures to demonstrate her point, "Is in love with _you._ " She finished her statement by jabbing her finger toward Scarhead's chest and said, "Kapeesh?"

She did not wait for a response this time as she turned around and sauntered back down to the Slytherin common room. She had a book to finish.


	2. Chapter 2 (titles are for losers, whaaat?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pansy is a compulsive liar, but maybe she's not really lying after all...?

"I'm not going."

Pansy sighed. "Draco, you have to come down to dinner. You haven't left your room in almost twenty-two hours. People will think we've killed you."

Draco glared at her, " _Good._ Maybe they'll send you to Azkaban," he snapped. He was currently lying on his stomach in bed, pouting and glaring at the wall as if it had just insulted his mother. He had _been_ in this position since she told the Trio about his undying love for Harry the day before. It was pathetic, really.

"You don't mean that," she admonished, "Draco, I'm _sorry_ for telling Potter about your love for him, but you were _pining._ Pining, Draco! Slytherins don't pine, they _flirt_ and they _seduce_ and they _take._ Besides,you never know, Potter might like _you,_ as well."

He raised an eyebrow in skepticism, because they both knew that that last part was a bit of a stretch. She was a Slytherin for a reason, though, and she wasn't backing down.

"I'm _serious,_ Draco! He _has_ been particularly nice to you since we got back to school, and the war is _over._ Maybe he _likes_ the new you. At the very least he _must_ find you attractive," Pansy wasn't sure where that came from, but  it  _sounde_ _d_  good, so she went with it. She wasn't sure she really _believed_ it, but Draco didn't need to know that.

Then he _looked_ at her, and he asked, very seriously, "Pansy, honestly. Do you really think...is there _any_ chance at all that Harry Potter _might_ have...a crush...on _me?"_

At that moment, Draco looked so small, so fragile, so _hopeful,_ like she'd never seen him before, and she just _knew_ she would regret this later, but she couldn't bear to backtrack and let him down.

And so she lied. Again. "Of course!" she screeched, "In fact...you know what? You should ask him to Hogsmeade this Saturday. It'll be great, come on! You should ask him about it after dinner; I'm _sure_ he'll say yes!" and she was panicking, because _she could not stop lying_ and _what the fuck was wrong with her_ and _there is no way that this will end well._ Draco was going to get rejected by Potter - _again,_ she reminded herself - or worse, _laughed at by Potter,_ and he would be _crushed,_ and _humiliated,_ and it would be all her fault. And then he would kill her.

Draco was smiling a little bit, and - _oh, no, this was bad_ \- he looked as if he was beginning to believe her. "Do you really think so?" he asked quietly, and this had gone too far, this was never meant to happen, _abort, abort_ -

"Yes."

Draco nodded. "Okay, yeah," he said, "I'm going to do it; I'm going to ask Potter to go on a date with me." He was smiling, determined, and it was too late to take it all back now.

She felt a little queasy as she smiled, nodded, and cried out, "Oh, Draco, that's great!"

He left the dorm purposefully, and Pansy started planning her funeral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Pansy does have a conscience, then. Huh. Or maybe she's just worried that Draco will murder her for lying to him and she doesn't actually care about him at all. Yep, that's probably it.


	3. Chapter 3 because no one reads these anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have about 23 hours worth of home-work that has to be done by tomorrow, so naturally I'm not doing any of it and writing fanfiction instead. Enjoy.

Pansy Parkinson was absolutely, completely, thoroughly shocked.

Her only saving grace was that everyone else seemed to be blatantly shocked as well, though none of them _nearly_ as much as she. And _why_ was she so shocked, you ask?

_She was right._

Now, this shouldn't have been surprising, as she was right almost all of the time. It was surprising, though, because she had been _lying._

Except she wasn't _actually_ lying, apparently, because she was _right._

If that seems confusing, perhaps we should back up, say, seven minutes.

[Seven minutes earlier]

Pansy was absolutely, completely, thoroughly panicked.

She said nothing to Blaise or Greg sitting next to her in the Great Hall; she was too busy going over defensive spells in her mind that she could use when Draco tried to eviscerate her in a few minutes.

Her best estimates told her she had less than seven minutes before Draco made a fool of himself in front of the entire school, on _her_ advice!

And then he would  _murder_ her.

She hadn't really _meant_ to lie. She just didn't want to upset him! She also really wanted him to get out of bed. He was acting like a child. So she was trying to do what was best for him!

...Sort of.

But of _course_ he would never accept this very _logical_ reasoning; he would claim she did it to spite him, like her purposes were _anything_ but completely benevolent!

She cast another _tempus_ \- ignoring Blaise's sideways look - only three and a half minutes to go. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Draco was sitting further down the table, mumbling to his mashed potatoes and looking rather nervous. She allowed herself to hope, for a moment, that he would talk _himsel_ f out of listening to her - therefore avoiding disaster - but she _knew_ him too well to really believe that. When he got his mind set on something, he could be unbelievably stubborn.

Just then, a bell rang to signify the end of the dinner hour. Upon hearing it, Draco stood up, brushed invisible dust off of his clothes, and - _oh no, oh no ohno_ \- marched across the Great Hall. To the Gryffindor table. And Harry Potter.

_So, this is it, then. This is what it feels like to die._

Upon seeing Draco standing in front of him, Potter stopped eating and said something, probably along the lines of "What do you _want,_ Malfoy?" and by this time almost everyone in the Great Hall was openly staring, waiting for the scene to unfold. It is for this reason that, despite him speaking at a relatively normal volume, _everyone_ in the Great Hall heard Draco's next words as if he'd shouted them at full volume from the top of the Astronomy Tower.

"I was just wondering if you would, well, if you might want to accompany me to Hogsmeade this weekend?"

The Great Hall was instantly filled with whispers, theories.

_Was this some kind of elaborate prank? Was Draco under a spell? Did someone slip him a love potion, perhaps?_

She wished those were true.

Potter stared blankly for several minutes, and then said, "Err, Malfoy, are you...asking me out, like - like a date...date?" At this Draco recoiled slightly, but held his ground.

" _Yes,_ Potter. An invitation to Hogsmeade does usually insinuate romantic interest. Like a date."

The students and teachers alike were holding their breath, waiting for Potter's response, but _none_ of them were prepared for what happened next.

"...Err, Potter? What are y-"

"Yes."

"Huh?"

"Yes, I'll go to Hogsmeade with you. Now shut up."

And then they were snogging. In the middle of the Great Hall. The dead-silent, shock-still Great Hall.

It is for this reason that, though she spoke them no louder than a whisper, Pansy's next words were heard by nearly _everyone_ in the Great Hall.

"...bloody hell...I'm a _genius!_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pansy: This is my true calling! I'm the world's finest matchmaker! An expert on human emotion!
> 
> Me: Pansy, it was one couple, and you didn't even know that they w-
> 
> Pansy: Completely irrelevant details! I have a gift! I'll become the go-to love adviser for Hogwarts-no! The number 1 TRUE love adviser in THE WORLD!
> 
> Me: ...oops?


	4. Ch. 4 im really tired ok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pansy finds her next victims

Pansy was plotting. This much was obvious to anyone who had known her for any significant amount of time.

But _what_ was she plotting, you ask?

Well, she was planning many things. After her amazingly successful plan to improve Draco's love life (the fact that she actually didn't expect it to work was only a minor, _insignificant_ detail), Pansy decided that matchmaking was her true calling. Now all she had to do was create a name for herself.

This meant that she would have to find another should-be couple, and she would have to find them fast.

_But who?_

And that _was_ the question, wasn't it? Sure, many people had crushes, but most of them were unrequited, and besides, she needed _more_ than that.

What she needed was pining. She needed for someone, preferably someone close to her, to be completely and hopelessly in love with someone else, but too prideful or too afraid (or both) to _tell_ the other person themselves.

_But who?_

She was violently pulled from her thoughts by the loud gurgling sounds coming from her potion, which seemed almost dangerously close to exploding. She turned angrily towards her Potions partner.

" _Blaise!_ What are you doing? You're supposed to be watching our potion!"

When he didn't reply, she elbowed him in the ribs. _"Blaise!"_ she repeated.

He turned suddenly, as if being woken from a daze. 

"Huh?" - it was then that he saw the volatile potion - "Oh, _shi_ -"

Just as Blaise stepped forward, presumably to add a missing ingredient, the potion exploded, covering him in a thick, purple-ish goo. Fortunately, Pansy had stepped away from the table and therefore avoided the explosion. Her shampoo was just too expensive to waste it on getting potion-gunk out of her hair. After she was sure that the explosion was over, she walked over to Blaise - carefully, her shoes were also too expensive to get covered in questionable purple liquid.

"This is _all_ your fault, Blaise! You said you would watch our potion - you _know_ I'm not good at potions - what were you even _looking_ at that was so distracting?!?" 

"Err...well, you see, I-" Blaise's uncharacteristically stuttered response was cut short by the arrival of Neville Longbottom, who at that moment had begun to speak to them.

"Hey, do you guys need help cleaning this up? Our potion is already finished - one of the benefits of being partnered with Hermione, you know - and I've ruined enough potions in my life to know exactly what to do in this situation," Pansy wasn't quite sure what to say. Sure, there hadn't been any conflict between the Slytherins and the Gryffindors this year, as there had been every other, but she wasn't used to one of them being openly _helpful_ or _kind_ to her, or any other Slytherin in their year.

She was even _more_ at loss by what happened next, because if she wasn't mistaken -and she very rarely was - she could have _sworn_ that Blaise was _blushing_ just then. 

But that couldn't possibly have happened. Blaise was always cool and collected. Suave, even. Blushing was _extremely_ uncharacteristic of him. But, now that she thought about it, he had been acting very out of character lately. This musing was further verified by Blaise's next statement:

"You-help. I mean, yes. Help. Is something that we need. Er...I meant-yes. Yes, I- _we_ would like you to help. Us. With...this." That was, quite probably, the most idiotic thing that Blaise Zabini has ever said.

And that was when it clicked. Oh, she could almost see it:

_Neville Longbottom and Blaise Zabini - Hogwarts's newest happy couple; courtesy of Pansy Parkinson, matchmaker extraordinaire._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I typed out this whole chapter then accidentally closed the tab and had to redo do the whole thing and it's almost midnight I'm going to CRY

**Author's Note:**

> This just popped into my head and so I wrote it. There is no plan. I'm just making this up as I go along. Enjoy.


End file.
